


Dear Evan Hansen, what the fuck.

by sylveonstri



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: and they wanted me to keep going so this was literally all made up on the spot, im proud of myself, ok literally, this some gay shit right here, this whole thing i made up in like two hours of telling a totally unprepared story to my friend
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-16
Updated: 2017-05-21
Packaged: 2018-10-19 14:08:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10641456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sylveonstri/pseuds/sylveonstri
Summary: Connor has feelings for Evan and doesn't know what to do with them. So, he writes letters in his journal (it's a diary he just won't admit it) explaining everything he's feeling. Hopefully nobody else reads it.





	1. Bonsai

Connor brushed strands of stray hairs back behind his ear with his free hand and with his other, he practically  _ etched _ his words into the paper with the dulled pencil. Before today, he had written regular logs in his journal for future purposes, but then he saw him. He felt like he was drowning on land. Like someone had punched his lungs and ran away with his breath. It was senior year, for Christ’s sake; how had he never seen him before?! The only way he knew his name was from the conversations he started to eavesdrop on that day. So, he wrote a letter to him. A letter that wasn’t intended for any other’s eyes to see, however. That kind of letter.

 

_ “Dear Evan Hansen, what the fuck. I’ve never made eye contact with you and I already hate you. Well, no I don’t hate you okay there’s a lot to explain to absolutely nobody so I fucking give up…” _

 

He continued to pour his emotions out on paper until he was taken out of focus with a yawn. Checking the time, he gasped lightly and rubbed his eyes. How had he been writing for two hours already? I felt like only a minute to him. Soon after he realized just how tired he was, he slipped his journal into his backpack and shut off the small lamp on his bedside table. Connor slowly slinked down into his pillows while running a hand through his hair, letting it slowly be pulled out of the hairband. 

 

His blue irises were dull in the even duller black of his room. Connor found himself thinking of how his favorite color had always been black. Then his mind wandered to that place it went earlier. The brown-haired boy wondered, while he put his hairband around his wrist, what could Evan’s favorite color be? Maybe blue, which he almost always wore a shade of. Perhaps he liked orange, or even black. But, then the teen thought to himself, “Evan’s too much of a bright person to like black.” His thoughts wandered to other questions of what Evan might be interested in. Slowly it turned into some sort of battle with himself, insisting that he wasn’t worthy to even think about another person. Evan Hansen was an angel and Connor Murphy had fallen from hope and caring. Connor had been the one to fall from grace while everyone else was still up in the clouds. Evan Hansen was just a new reason for the melancholy boy to pull himself back into dark thoughts.

 

Connor liked to tell himself things that eventually brought his own self esteem to an all time low. Connor liked to make things up to hurt his spirit. Connor liked to lie to himself. 

 

Those dull blue eyes opened to blinking at the sudden light of dawn. He heard his sister walking down the stairs as he sat upright. The oddly comforting smell of Zoe’s perfume was faintly tangible, as if she had ran by quite closely to him. Sometimes he wished Zoe would come closer to him. Sometimes all he wanted was for her to talk to him more.

 

After a morning routine and eye contact between siblings, Connor made his way to the car, sitting in the passenger seat. The silence between the two was again, oddly comforting. His gaze was out the window, at the passing trees and buildings. He remembered something about the conversations between Evan and Jared he heard. He knew at least one thing about Evan Hansen for sure; he loved nature, trees in general. Connor had a vivid dream about climbing a tree with Evan. Within the dream, everything was bright, just like Evan-

 

“Hey. Dipshit. Get out of the car.” Zoe tapped the passenger window with her aqua-painted nails. Connor always admired her love for soft hues. He thought it complimented her eyes and hair; perfectly matched with everything about her. “Are you high again, Connor? Seriously?” she groaned before adjusting her backpack straps and walking away from the car and towards the front of the school.

 

Connor grabbed hold of the car door and stepped out before also making his way into the school. The halls were already filled of people when he got there. Something told him to leave and just ditch his classes. Since he doesn’t know what’s going on 90% of the time (because he’s also high 90% of the time, but otherwise Connor is extremely intelligent) it seemed like a good idea. 

 

“You bought another fucking bonsai tree?”

 

“They’re baby trees! So cute and little! Plus, you have to take care of them so they can grow! Just like a baby.”

 

“ _ Exactly _ like a baby, Evan....  _ Jesus.” _

 

Evan smiled nervously, most likely hoping nobody else heard them talking, and responded with a “Yeah,” and narrowing his eyes at Jared for a split second.

 

Connor’s cheeks felt hot after he stopped himself from staring at the two friends for too long. He ran a hand through his hair and gazed at the floor. He needed to write in his journal again to get rid of all these emotions. Without turning around, he opened his backpack (quite awkwardly) and felt around for almost a minute until pulling out the small leatherbound book. He pulled a pen out of his sweater pocket, opening up the journal with one hand. The click of the pen echoed through the hall but was quickly drowned out by all the “annoying as fuck” chatter of his peers. 

 

_ “Dear Evan Hansen, I don’t get how I seem to be so infatuated with you yet I’ve barely said two words in your direction. Maybe it’s the way you stumble on your words, or sometimes are so happy you nearly squeal, or that sometimes you’re late to class because you didn’t want to walk around the people who walk slow. There’s something really cool about you…”  _

 

He tapped the back of the pen on his bottom lip, reading over his hastily written love letter. He could  _ hear _ his heart thump wildly, as if he was still looking at Evan. But he wasn’t. It seemed even the mere thought of Evan made him feel-  _ No. Stop it, _ Connor thought to himself,  _ Evan Hansen is a guy that you know nothing about… Except that he likes trees. What kind of person likes trees? Obviously someone adorable- what the fuck why am I feeling like this. Is there something wrong with me? _

 

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Evan and Jared walk farther away down the hall. He began to start mindlessly doodling Evan in the corner of the page. A part of him felt… ashamed, yet yet there was a strange sort of radiance there—a feeling which only those hopelessly in love could experience. 

 

“What’cha drawin’, Connor?” Jared tilted his head to try and read the page before Connor abruptly closed it.

 

“Fuck  _ off _ , Kleinman.”

 

“I didn’t know you keep a diary!” He adjusted his glasses, taking a step closer. Connor narrowed his eyes while making full eye contact with the shorter boy.

 

“It’s not a diary-”

 

“Yes it is. And why did I see Evan’s name in there, like, five times?” Before Connor could nervously stumble on his words until he finally let out a response, Jared laughed to himself. It seemed as though he was done annoying Connor, walking off. His light up sneakers slightly squeaking through the hall. Connor rolled his eyes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes,,, jared has light up sneakers


	2. Leather bound

_“Dear Evan Hansen, I’m sorry I pushed you after math. I don’t really know what I was thinking, you just kind of bumped into me and I got scared. I should probably also apologize for telling you to ‘fuck off, dipshit.’ I think Zoe’s actually teaching me swear words. That’s impressive…”_

 

Connor looked up from writing to take a short glance to where Evan was sitting. The long haired boy furrowed his brows, a small frown showing on his features. Evan sat alone at his usual table, near the far away corner of the cafeteria. He fiddled with a pencil in his hands while he tapped his foot. He almost looked… _scared_ as his hazel eyes stared down at the floor.

 

Waves of guilt crashed over Connor. His heart raced. He immediately blamed himself for the way the anxious boy was feeling.

 

 _“Dear Evan Hansen, I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I…”_ His writing came to a harsh halt when someone sat across the table from him. His head swiftly looked up to once again see Jared, grinning like before.

 

“What’cha dooooin’?”

 

“When I say fuck off _once_ , I mean fuck off for forever,” Connor grumbled, shutting his journal.

 

Jared leaned forward over the lunch table, staring into Connor’s dull blue eyes. “What are you writing in that diary of yours? Hmm?” His cheek rested in his palm, which also pushed his glasses up slightly.

 

“It’s not a fucking- I’m not writing anything.”

 

Jared raised his hands defensively, still grinning, “M’yeah. Gotcha,” he paused and looked around for a moment before setting his hands right on top of the leather bound book. “So what _were_ you writing? A confession? Daily ‘dear diary’? _Raunchy_ fanfiction of me and you?”  He wiggled his eyebrows at that last part, laughing softly when Connor showed his disgust and annoyance.

 

There was a long silence between the two.

 

“So can I read this raunchy fanfiction or what?”

 

Connor groaned while running a hand through his hair. “It’s not raunchy fanfiction, dumbass. Leave me alone before I break your arm an-”

 

“And what? Shove it up my ass?” The long haired boy attempted to object but Jared just interrupted him again. “I’ll read that book one day, mark my words, Connor Murphy.” He stood, made an ‘I’m watching you’ motion towards Connor, and started to slowly roll away quite smoothly on his heelys. He heeled past the table with only one person sitting down. Evan Hansen. All alone. He still tapped his foot. He still stared at the floor, practically hugging himself while doing so. Everything in Connor’s mind _screamed_ at him to sit at the table. How could he? Evan might be even more scared of him.

 

In his clouded mind of fears and doubts, the part of him that was fighting, got lost in it all. Connor stayed put.

 

The class period after lunch was “absolutely fucking boring”; all he wanted to do was throw his desk at the teacher and leave. The only thing stopping him then was… Evan. He had the perfect view of him from his seat in the corner of the room. Connor roughly sketched a couple bonsai trees in his journal, which made him smile only barely. But there was a smile there. Definitely.

 

 _“Dear Evan Hansen, I’m sorry. But also fuck you. I don’t like whatever I’m feeling and I want it to stop…”_ Connor stopped writing for a moment, twirling his pen between his fingers.

 

“Connor?”

 

He opened his eyes and the class was empty. He must’ve been daydreaming. About what, though, he couldn't remember.

 

Alana tried to get his attention again with a slightly louder, “Connor?”

 

He blinked a couple times and realized his pen was no longer even in his hand. Before he could look around for it, Alana spoke again. “You dropped your pen,” her voice was soft and soothing. Comforting. She held out her classmate’s pen with a gentle and welcoming smile.

 

After taking the pen, he nearly forgot to thank her. He glanced up from what he was doing with his backpack to say something, but she raised her hand up with a wider smile. “No need to thank me. I know.” Then, she gave a tiny bow as to silently say goodbye, and began to step out the classroom.

 

When Connor got home, all he wanted to do was take his mind off the topic of Evan Hansen, yet it seemed that there was no hope of that ever happening. He reached his hand into his bag to pull out his journal. His heart skipped a beat when he could not feel the little book anywhere inside. He immediately started to retrace his steps. He ruled out leaving it anywhere from homeroom to lunch. He wrote in it every time. But _after_ lunch… Oh God. He left it in Science.

 

A couple minutes after he had realized where he left it, Connor started pacing in his room, running both hands through his hair and mumbling to himself.

 

“What...What if someone who knows Evan finds it and shows it to him… Or… Or what if they show the whole school or post it on facebook or twitter or instagram or even tumblr I’ll be ruined oh God what will my parents think- what will the whole _school_ think- I have to sneak into school tonight just in case it’s still there. Maybe- Ah, maybe I can get to school extra early and ask the custodian for the keys- No I think the best bet would be to sneak in and-”

 

A knock on his door froze him in position. Zoe peaked out from the cracked door. “What the hell are you talking to yourself about?”

 

“No-Nothing I…” Connor rubbed the nape of his neck while searching for an answer.

 

“Go to bed. It’s late.” She almost completely shut the door before peeking through again. “Oh and… don’t try to sneak into school tonight. That shit goes on your permanent record if you get caught. G’night.”

 

Connor nodded in her direction as she shut the door. Then he started to wonder… how much of that did Zoe hear?

 

Zoe slumped down in her bed, but only relaxing for a short moment before her phone rang. She sighed, turning it over to see who was calling. “Why the hell is he calling me at eleven at night?”

Curious now, she answered.

  
_“Zoe Zoe Zoe holy fucking shit you’ll never believe what I found.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ,,,,yes jared has heelys


	3. The Gay Agenda

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi hello sorry for the late-ish update it took me a while to be un-busy and to actually get more ideas of what to write next at some parts. also PSA my amazing friend, ExtraordinaryElliot, wrote kind of a lot of this chapter so i wanted to give a HUGE thanks to them aaaa what a blessing im so ble s s ed (go subscribe to them nd read their stuff too their writing is s o good hfhdjs) ok thts all go on nd read the chapter ;0

Jared had to cover his mouth to stop himself from being too loud while laughing. Zoe, however, was still in a bit of shock.

 

“...This is a joke right?”

 

Jared’s laughter cut in and out through the phone for a split second. There seemed to be a lag, as it took longer than it should have for him to respond. “You're in denial of your brother being gay? Oh my God…”

 

“He's not gay, Jare-”

 

“Do I need to read an excerpt?” 

 

Zoe pinched the bridge of her nose with a reluctant, “Yes.”

 

“Let's see… Drawings of Evan…” She could hear the faint sound of him turning the pages, making her only become more skeptical. “Hearts… Bonsai trees-what the fuck- Oh! Here we go!” He cleared his throat, seemingly only for some sort of comic relief. “Dear Evan Hansen, I don’t get how I seem to be so infatuated with you yet I’ve barely said two words in your direction. Maybe it’s the way you stumble on your wor-”

 

“Okay! Okay! I got it! Fine. Maybe… Maybe you're right.” Zoe waved her hands in the air as if she were talking directly to him, instead of through the phone.

 

She could practically hear his smirk through the phone. “I'm always right.”

 

“Not really. I got a damn 4 out of 21 on the math homework you helped me with last week.”

 

There was silence before Jared spoke again. “Anyways, it's getting late so we can't call for much longer. But! I'm gonna make a group chat for us to discuss this. This definitely has to be dealt with  _ right now _ .”

 

“Group chat? Why do we need a group chat if it's just you and me?”

 

“Ohohohooo... just wait and see what I have planned all ready, Zoe.” She heard the muffled sound of his laughing again.

 

“Jared, I swear to the lord- if you add Evan to this group chat…”

 

“What? What're you gonna do? Break my arm and then shove it up my ass?”

 

“No?” Zoe became even more confused.

 

“Text ya in a bit, agent.” The call ended with Zoe being only slightly less perplexed. Still. Could Jared actually be telling the truth? Twirling some of her hair on her finger, she pondered if Connor would even be capable of feeling that way about anyone.

 

Her phone buzzed again.

 

**Gaymer: WELCOME TO THE GAY AGENDER**

 

**Zoe: What**

 

**Alana: He means gay agenda**

 

**Gaymer: HJCND FUCKING TYPO**

 

**Alana: Pat pat**

 

**Zoe: Wait Alana you know about this?**

 

**Alana: Yeah me and Jared had a two hour long conversation about this**

 

**Alana: We now need to tell you the plan**

 

**Gaymer: THE GAY AGENDA**

 

**Zoe: Wow**

 

**Alana: Jared you can tell her**

 

**Gaymer: oKAY SO TOMORROW IN THE MORNING WE’RE GONNA TELL EVAN AND WE FOUR ARE ALL GONNA WALK UP TO CONNOR AND FORCE HIM TO CONFESS HIS UNDYING LOVE TO EVAN**

**Zoe: Sounds like a stupid plan**

 

**Gaymer: KJBHFDJ YOU r E A STUPID PLAN**

 

**Zoe; Turn your caps lock off, “GAYmer”**

 

**Gaymer: its an inside joke**

 

**Alana: You’re an inside joke**

**Zoe: Ooohh roasted**

 

**Alana: Groupchats always turn into roast fests for some reason**

 

**Gaymer: youre a roast fest lana**

 

**Zoe: ‘lana?**

 

**Gaymer: its an inside joke**

 

**Zoe: No, it’s a nickname**

 

**Gaymer: nfdhsj youre a nickname**

 

**Zoe: Okay well goodnight**

 

**Alana: Goodnight!!**

 

**Gaymer: gn**

 

Zoe rolled over, planting her face in a pillow. Her phone now on her bedside table, still buzzing.

  
  


Connor rolled out of bed, literally falling on the floor. Face first. “Ow.” The rays of the morning sun shone on his bare back, which quickly made him warm. “I hate this.”

 

Zoe tilted her head, standing in the doorway of his room. “Hate what, dipshit?

 

“That you keep calling me that,” he answered with a flat voice, speaking half into the carpet. “Stop it.”

 

“Never.” The shorter sibling grinned playfully. However, that grin didn’t last long. “Now put a damn shirt on and get ready. Mom made breakfast.”

 

Connor rolled over on his back, staring up at the ceiling. “I gotta skip breakfast.”

 

“Con, you haven’t had breakfast with us for a week. Mom’s gonna get mad sooner or later.” She tapped her nails on the front of the door while leaning against the doorway. Her pajama shorts were covered in stars, drawn in pen, from many nights before. Almost all her clothes had some sort of space element to it.  Sometimes, even her own skin would have galaxies drawn on it.

 

“Well, let her get mad later. I have to get to school,” Connor stated, rolling onto his back and clambering onto his feet as fast as he could. Zoe stifled a giggle, raising an eyebrow as Connor went through his clothes, trying to find a clean shirt to put on for the day.

 

“Yeah, but I have to drive you, and I’m not skipping breakfast,” Zoe pointed out. Connor huffed, pulling on a semi-clean shirt that smelled fine as he glared in her direction. “Really, Connor - mom and dad are going to get upset with  _ both  _ of us if we skip breakfast,” she reprimanded, turning on her heel and walking away.

 

Connor sighed heavily, following after her. It was obvious that he wasn’t going to win this fight, and would have to eat breakfast with his family. “Fine, but  _ next time  _ we’re skipping,” he called after her, knowing she would call his bluff. “Son of a fuck," he muttered, throwing on his favorite sweater as he followed after his sister.

 

Cynthia Murphy had already set the table, and Zoe was helping her with the food as Larry read the newspaper. Connor sat at one end of the table, nervously bouncing his leg and looking down at his phone to check the time every few minutes. Larry occasionally looked up from the paper to stare at his son.

 

“Connor, are you … okay?” Larry asked hesitantly, folding the paper. Connor looked up quickly, almost falling out of his chair with surprise. He nodded, then checked his phone again as if to disprove his answer. “...in a hurry?” Larry questioned, leaning forwards a bit. Connor stiffened, not knowing how to react to his father’s new behaviour.

 

“A little bit. I have a school project due soon and I need to get there early to start it,” he lied, putting his phone in his pocket. Larry glanced at the clock in the room, then at the breakfast on the table. He stood up, offering a hand to Connor.

 

“I can … drive you, if you want?” Larry suggested, looking nervous. Connor’s mind went blank as he tried to process what was happening. Was his dad trying to be  _ helpful _ ? That was a first, Connor thought. On one hand, he had to get to school to find his journal ( _ not  _ a diary) before anyone else found it; on the other, he wasn’t sure he wanted to spend five minutes in the car with his dad.

 

But if Evan found his journal…

 

Connor declined the hand, but did get to his feet. “That would be cool,” he stated, already on his way to the door. Larry looked a little shocked that Connor had accepted, but quickly composed himself and followed his son, telling Cynthia that he would be back after work. Connor was already in the car by the time Larry had gotten out the door, and he was bouncing his leg again, desperate to get to school.

 

“So, what’s the project on?”

“What?”

 

“...You said you had a project the start.” Connor mentally cursed himself for coming up with that lie, and quickly thought of a lie that would suffice. “Have you chosen the topic yet? What class is this for?”  _ What is this, a police interrogation?  _ Connor thought, glancing at his dad. “Connor?”

 

“Trees!” he blurted. Larry jumped at the outburst, and Connor quickly continued. “I’m doing a project on trees for science class! I chose the topic!”  _ Trees? Trees, Connor?! Really? _

 

“You like trees?”

 

“I love Eva- trees.”  _ Shit.  _ Larry glanced over at him, an eyebrow raised. He _ ' _ d caught the ”Eva(n)” part of the sentence, and Connor prayed to whatever god was listening that he wouldn't be called out on it.

 

”Well, your mother and I were discussing going to the orchard this weekend, if you want to come. Since you love trees,” Larry added. Connor shrugged, trying to act like he hadn't just almost come out as gay to his father. ”Of course, you don't have to, if you don't want to.” Was Connor imagining it, or was that a hint of  _ disappointment  _ in Larry's voice?

 

”Yeah, sounds fun,” Connor stated, wincing at how disinterested he sounded.  _ Please, please, PLEASE let us almost be there _ , he thought, relieved when he saw them approaching the school. Larry, however, seemed a little disheartened at the fact that they would end their conversation so soon. The car pulled into the parking lot of the high school, and Connor was almost jumping out of the car before it was stopped.

 

”Have a good day, Connor,” Larry spoke, a half-smile on his face. Connor nodded.

 

”You, too. Thanks for the ride!” He closed the door before Larry could respond. As the car drove away, Connor turned to face the school. He sighed heavily before taking a step forwards, desperate to find his journal.

 

Zoe ran up behind him, patting him on the back and then keeping her arm on his shoulder. “How was your ride with dad?”

 

Connor shook her off, dissociating with his sister while walking to his personal hell. Zoe fell behind for a moment before running right back up to his side and grinning. They walked in silence for a bit more, Zoe smiling and looking forward. It made Connor actually uncomfortable.

 

“What the fuck is up with you.”

 

Zoe opened her mouth to respond as they were walking inside the halls. Even if she said something, it was too quiet to be heard from the ruckus of the other students.

 

Connor glanced at Zoe, then focused back at the ground. His ears were nearly ringing from all the loud yelling and other random noises. The once sound that he could hear clearly was a squeaking of some kind of shoes, seemingly running toward him. Out of the corner of his eye, he could have sworn he saw Zoe grin wider than he had ever seen before.

 

“Heyyy, Connor,” Jared purred with wiggling of his eyebrows and a wink. Connor soon realized what the squeaking was. Jared’s shoes. The melancholy boy cringed.

 

Zoe commented on the shoes for him with a giggle, “You’re  _ seriously _ wearing crocs today?”

 

“Yeah. Just got ‘em a few days ago. You like?” Somehow, he was proud of those hideous things on his shoes. The boy with longer hair lifted his head up to look eye level with Jared but he quickly looked back at the ground when he saw the white and blue striped shirt of the one and only, Evan Hansen.  _ Fuck. _ He shook his head, turning to stare, scared and confused, into his sister’s eyes. She seemed to know  _ exactly _ what was going on.

 

Jared gently tugged Evan closer by the arm, the anxious boy stumbling forward, next to his friend. Connor looked around between the few people he ever talked to at school with a blank expression, besides the obvious fear in his eyes.

 

The boy with glasses nodded to Zoe, and then slowly pushed his friend in front of him. And right in front of Connor too. “Got anything you wanna say to this tree hugger, Con?”

 

_ Son of a fuck. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ,,,,, yes jared is,,, wearing crocs


	4. Running

Connor turned and ran. Down the hall. He pushed kids aside as fast as he could to get to the exit. He heard Zoe and Jared both shouting his name while also pushing through the crowded area. The door looked so close. But, suddenly it seemed so far when he soon noticed Alana’s figure standing in the way, her arms outstretched as far as possible across the doorway. Connor halted to stop, finally realizing there was little to no hope for his escaping.

 

Zoe was the first to run up a couple seconds after, placing her hands on her knees and panting lightly. After she caught her breathe she looked back up at her brother, glaring. The three standing at the exit heard that squeaking sound again. They could just slightly see Jared running after them with Evan being pulled along. As Jared got closer, he looked as if he attempted to stop just as Connor did. Though, from just a second of him attempting to get his shoes to grip to the floor, the three knew he wasn’t going to stop so easily.

 

“Ssstop right there, gay boy!” Jared yelled as he slipped and then proceeded to fall backwards. He thankfully had removed his grip from Evan’s arm and the boy just stood there as his friend now lied on the floor, staring up at the ceiling with a blank face. Alana snickered in the back, but the rest of them all just stared at Jared. “Fucking crocs,” Jared grumbled blankly.  “Damnit…” he said to himself as he lay on the ground, “Should have worn the joots today.”

 

Before anyone else spoke up, Jared lifted his arm and then pointed angrily at Evan, and then at Connor. He let his hand fall down back onto the ground as Evan carefully stepped over him to be closer to Connor. The whole group was silent. Just standing there, except for Jared, who was now getting up slowly. “Tell him, gay boy. Tell him, or I show him myself.” Jared threatened while casually sticking his thumbs into his jean pockets. He stood next to Evan, smirking.

 

There was another long silence between them all. Connor broke out of his state of panic, bringing his palm across Jared’s cheek. Evan covered his mouth, gasping loudly while Zoe and Alana watched in shock. Instead of chasing after Connor again, everyone crowded around their friend who had just been slapped. He rubbed the side of his face which made his cheek even more red.

 

“Jare-” Evan started, his hands still hovering in front of his mouth. His eyes were wide with concern.

 

“I’m fine. Y’know, I kinda deserved it.” The quick smile he put on was clearly fake. He started off down the hall, his shoes squeaking loudly with how much he was dragging his feet.

  


Connor set his bag down before flopping face first onto his bed with a groan. He hadn’t talked to Jared after slapping him and running away, which meant he _still_ didn’t have his journal.  He rolled over on the mattress and then gazed at the ceiling with the fan silent and still. His mind ran circles around the eventful day which wasn’t even over yet. He didn’t even notice when Zoe walked in or even sat on the bed next to him.

 

She let out a soft sigh. “I’ve never seen Jared like that before. You really broke him, bro-”

 

“Don’t say that. Get the fuck out.”

 

She raised her hands defensively. “I’m trying to be civil for once.”

 

“No,” Connor lifted his hands up lazily from where they lied on top his chest, gesturing toward the ceiling. “You’re trying to make me feel bad.”

 

“Maybe so. But, the point is: why didn't you tell me you were gay? I mean,” she chuckled to herself. “out of all the people you know I can assure you that I am the most trustworthy.”

 

The boy scoffed with a resentful roll of his blue eyes. “I'm not gay. Don't listen to everything that idiot tells you.”

 

“I read your diary, bro.”

 

His eyes went wide for only a moment before the sudden panic subsided. “I'm not gay… I've just got this weird infatuation with Evan. There's a difference.”

 

“Sure, Con.”

 

He grumbled something under his breath before turning on his side with his face half in a pillow. The room was silent and he felt as though he could fall asleep then and there and everything would be fine.

 

“You need to confront Evan. ‘Cause I'm almost _positive_ that Jared will tell everyone if you don't do it soon… And, Connor, I know you don't want anyone else to find out about your little guy crush.”

 

He took a while to reply, trying to keep the silence going for as long as possible. “I guess you make a pretty good point, but—how am I supposed to tell him?”

 

“I’ve got some ideas.”

  


When the morning came and Zoe blinked her eyes open, she couldn't remember falling asleep in her brother’s bed with him. He snored lightly into his pillow as she carefully stood and tiptoed to her own room to get ready for school.

 

Connor soon rolled himself out of bed, landing on his back. “Fuck.”

 

Zoe stood in front of him, looking wide awake and ready to leave. She held up Connor’s phone with the screen on, in a chat Connor had never seen. “It's from Evan,” she stated with a small wink.

 

“Mother of fuck.” He squinted to read the medium sized text that his sister held in front of him.

 

_“Dear Connor Murphy, I never knew someone could ever feel that way about me? I mean, some of the things you said were kinda scary but you're a scary guy so I understand I mean no not scary in a bad way,,, scary in a good way wait no what kind of scary is good. Wow I'm sorry this is turning into a long rambling of words. The point is, you're very sweet and I think I might like you too, that is in a good way wait what I mean in a friendly way,,, yeah. Sincerely, me”_

  


Reading just the first few words made his whole face flush red. After he finished, he laid back and covered his face with his hands. He mumbled a few incoherent words into them while Zoe laughed.

 

“This is great news! Time for Operation Gay Agenda!” she announced, her pointer finger in the direction of the sky and her other hand on her hip.

 

“I hate that name.”

 

“Blame Jared!” Zoe was still quite enthusiastic, which was definitely something Connor never saw.

  


Connor took one glance at the school and cringed. “There is no way I can do this.” The only thing that seemed to get him walking toward the building was his sister’s reassuring smile (and the fact that she was pulling him along by the wrist.)

 

The first thing to catch both Zoe and Connor’s attention was the sound of rolling wheels of some sort coming from behind them in the parking lot.

 

Jared adjusted his backpack while rolling in his heelys quite quickly down the lot and toward the school. As he passed the two siblings, he gave a peace sign with a greeting that would be expected of him; “‘Sup heteros,” was all he said before rolling farther away.

 

“What the fuck did he just call my brother,” Zoe jokingly said. However, Connor didn't find any of that situation amusing. He only wanted Jared to trip and fall face first into the ground.

 

Zoe was the one to push the door open. For once, the halls were surprisingly empty. “Did you bring me early for a reason?” Connor questioned, raising a brow while looking around.

 

Zoe nodded with a grin. “Evan gets here early.”

 

“How do-”

 

“Jared told me.”

 

He nodded, annoyed that _Jared_ was closer to Evan then he was. Some of his hair fell in front of his right eye just a few moments before Evan caught his attention. He had dropped some book he was carrying. Connor’s eyes widened when Zoe pushed him forward, whispering, “Operation Gay Agenda is a _go_.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @anyone,, this is,, one of my fav chapters nd like pls (if u want to ofc) if u draw like,,,, any scene from this (or honestly any chapter tbh) i'll cry nd i will love u forever ok thts all bye lol


	5. Before

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi this chapter is short for reasons i will explain at the end

Evan stared at the ground as Connor walked up to say hello. The nervous boy suddenly held out a journal… Connor’s journal. “Jared wanted me to give it back to you,” he spoke shakily.

Connor snatched it away from his crush’s hand and held it in his own. “Thanks.” There was silence between them after that. Very awkward silence. Connor knew what he had planned to say next, but his mouth wouldn’t open and his voice wouldn’t flood out of his throat. He took a glance back to where he last saw his sister. She still stood there, leaning up against the wall, giving a reassuring smile and a thumbs up. That must’ve been all the encouragement he needed.

“You wanna skip school with me, or do you wanna be a loser?” Connor attempted to act ‘cool’, but it kind of failed. Though, Evan smiled a bit. That was something.

“Uh, I kind of wanna be a loser.” He froze, waiting for the taller one’s response.

Connor grabbed a hold of Evan’ hand and started toward the front door. “Too bad.”

The boy with the blue-striped shirt stumbled behind, watching in curiosity and wonder as the pretty boy lightly stomped out in the parking lot. Evan hadn’t noticed, but he spaced out while staring, with his cheeks blushed a light pink and eyes wide. They stood in the forest by one of the tallest trees. Evan gasped in awe as he looked the tree up and down. It’s beautiful, he thought to himself.

“Climb.” Connor commanded.

The tone of his voice made Evan laugh awkwardly, turning to look at Connor and then back at the tree. He attempted to make a joke, “Last time I climbed a tree, I broke my arm.” He lifted up his arm, that was placed in a cast, just enough so the other boy could see.

“Are you telling me you’re too scared to climb?” Connor asked, raising a brow. Evan stayed silent after.

When he started climbing, Connor began to pace. He ruffled up his own hair, mumbling things to himself and staring intensely at the grass on the ground. “What if he doesn't feel the same way or what if he thinks you're a freak, which you are, but what if he also thinks so. No, Evan wouldn't-couldn't ever do that. He's way too nice…” his voice soon became quieter and quieter as Evan climbed. He found a decent spot for sitting and hung one leg over with the other one bent on the branch. He tried to the best of his abilities to not look down. It wasn't Connor’s fault; he didn't know the boy who loved trees was terrified of heights. Who _would_ know that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> reasons why this is a short chapter  
> 1) i have school + testing and i did not want to take forever to get anything out
> 
> 2) i have stuff planned for chapter 6 and if i made this one long, it wouldnt go w my plan
> 
> so yeah. i'm sorry if you were hoping for a lot,,, just please be patient and all that bc i got personal stuff too lol
> 
> i'll do my best to still be working on chapter 6 in my free time ;0c ok that's all !!! have a good day/night/afternoon ily
> 
> ((aH i forgot to mention tht if all these chapters titles don't completely make sense, dw bc im gonna explain them all when this fic is over))


	6. Break

“Can you see me?” Connor called out from the ground. He flipped through a couple pages of the journal with his cheeks already dusted with a light shade of pink. 

“No!” Evan yelled down shortly after. “And I’m scared of heights so I don't want to look down!”

“Good!” Connor shouted back.

There was a long silence. The wind rustled the leaves, making a few fall from the branch and float off to some other area of the forest. Evan was so utterly terrified, yet also at peace simultaneously. It was odd, yet he wanted to feel like that more often.

“Dear Evan Hansen!” Connor yelled up to the tree, reading out the words from his journal page filled with scribbles of evan and trees (and a couple small hearts). “I don’t get how I seem to be so infatuated with you yet I’ve barely said two words in your direction! Maybe it’s the way you stumble on your words! Or sometimes are so happy you nearly squeal! Or that sometimes you’re late to class because you didn’t want to walk around the people who walk slow! There’s something really cool about you! Maybe if we hung out more, I could start to see what makes me love you so much!” His face was insanely hot. He felt like a goddamn tomato.

Connor let the journal carelessly slip out of his hands. He turned his back against the trunk of the tree and slowly slunk down with a blank expression (besides his wide eyes and heavily blushing cheeks.) He wrapped his arms around his legs, hugging them close to his chest and placing his chin on his knees. The wind blew leaves from the branches and onto the ground or into the flowing breeze. His hair swayed gently. His heart pounded through his chest and he could feel his eyes water. This whole feeling was new and he didn't like it. It was too quiet. Why hadn't Evan said anything?

No matter how desperately Connor wanted the silence to end, he didn't move. He just stayed there, hugging his knees with a red face.

“Woah…” Evan shouted from the branch he sat upon.

Silence.

Evan shouted again. “I actually don't know how to climb down from trees…”

More silence.

“I mean,” Evan started yelling again. “the only other time i climbed one, I got down by letting go, and that's how I broke my arm… I guess I could let go again…”—he glanced to the ground but didn't catch a glimpse of Connor before he swiftly looked at the horizon in fear. “I don't think I could double-break my arm or anything…” He took another short glance at the ground.

There was another long silence. Evan decided it was now or never. He started to move himself closer to the edge of the branch, when Connor interrupted.

“Don't let go, idiot.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I KNOW ITS SHORT IM SORRY THERES LIKE A BIT MORE FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER BC I WANTED TO GET SOMETHING OUT RIP ME BUT THE NEXT ONE SHOULD B OUT TODAY OR TOMORROW WI N K S


End file.
